Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Blue Christmas

Gilda Radner was right; it’s always something. Usually, I like to think of myself as a realistic optimist; jaded in places, yet still ultimately hopeful that good will prevail, and that those who don’t respect themselves or their fellow man will be someday shown the error of their ways via the forces of karma. Maybe they’ll realize that’s what hit them: the cumulative force of their actions coming back to haunt them. Or maybe not; maybe they’ll just carry on doing as they do, rue their bad luck, and not connect the two. I don’t know what will happen; I don’t have any control of these forces, nor do I try to wish ill on even the worst of my perceived enemies.

All that said, I do try to live a good life for the most part myself, and try to respect those forces which govern the universe by living right for myself and others. That’s why I sometimes have a hard time coming to terms with life’s little tragedies when they hit me and those I love.

Two weeks ago, my wife and I found out we were pregnant with our third child. We couldn’t be happier, and were looking forward to seeing the little blinking heartbeat on the ultrasound, at which point we’d be able to add some wonderful news at the dinner table on Christmas Eve. Yeah, well………..

Yesterday, we found out the results of her most recent blood test, which seem to indicate that we are going to lose the child. It’s a bit like having that red carpet rolled out for you, even though you’re not entirely sure why… and then having it violently yanked out from under you.

Now don’t get me wrong; I realize that my wife and I are truly blessed to have the two most wonderful kids in the world already. Don’t ever think for a second that I’m taking either them or that fact for granted. I realize that there are folks who don’t even have child number one, worthy folks who are willing to go (and do sometimes go) to the ends of the earth to know what it is like to be a parent. God has truly blessed us. That knowledge, as precious as it is, is only scant consolation when you learn that for some reason, the lightning that you thought would strike a third time was merely some random static electricity, here and gone without a lasting effect.

What makes it a bit worse is that aside from my wife, who is going through her own potent brand of dark teatime of the soul, I don’t really have a whole lot of people I feel comfortable sharing this with. My folks? I love them to death, but in their good intentions, they sometimes say THE WRONG THING. Maybe it’s a Catholic thing… My friends? I dunno; that’s complicated, what with all the wives and such, and they’re all connected on the Internet, sometimes in crazy little soap operas. So as pitiful as it seems, I am sharing this with you, my blog reader, just to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading this, even though chances are high that I don’t know you in real life (yet). And it’s weird; I don’t think I’m looking for sympathy necessarily, but maybe I am. I know I’m not looking for an empty, meaningless, anonymous faux-sympathetic “That sucks, man.” If you’re gonna say it, mean it, LOL. And I want to be there for my wife, to help her pick up the pieces as well; I just don’t necessarily know how to do that, yet. She reads this blog, so Honey, please don’t ever forget how much I love you. I will always be there for you, through good and bad. That will never change.

It’s like, I want to cry, but I feel numb instead. I feel like a knife has stabbed my heart, and it’s really sore, but not bleeding all over the place. It’s like, shit happens to me, why should this be any different? But it is; I know damn well it is, since it involves a child of ours that we’ll never meet. I prayed to God yesterday that he guide that little soul back to Heaven, and to keep it safe. Ah, there we go; typing those words made me well up a bit. Maybe I do have a heart, after all.

All I know, man, is that this sucks. I hate feeling this way, and I hate even more that my wife is hurting just as badly as I am, probably worse. You can’t help but ask yourself, why did this happen? What did we do wrong to have this occur? Is this bad karma I earned coming back to bite me? Did I wrong someone and fail to acknowledge it? I honestly don’t know. I also don’t know how many of these questions are even relevant at this point. I will continue to check myself, to examine what I do to look for clues to the answers to those questions. But I’m not expecting any easy answers. And I’m not expecting this to be the happiest of holiday seasons. I’ll put on a happy face for my kids and family, but inside it’s gonna be rough for us.

Sorry for the downer; I kind of felt I had to share, with somebody, anybody. I promise the next one is gonna be happier, and probably entertainment-related. Thanks for listening; I needed that.

Image available at, look up “blue Christmas” without the quotes.


Blogger Lori said...

my heart breaks for you guys.

((hugs)) to you

December 19, 2008 10:09 AM  
Blogger Todd Totale said...

I haven't checked your blog in a while and wow...heavy shit. I'm fairly confident that none of this is a slight on you. Stay strong and give those two (and mom) some extra hugs and kisses.
Prayers your way.

January 02, 2009 5:15 PM  

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